Constriction (A Ramble of Sorts)

Why is it that at the time I find my creativity and artistry, my schoolwork gets in the way?  I feel like I should be enjoying what I do.  I am not. I miss being able to take pictures every day, coming home, and editing them.  I want this so badly.  I want that back.

Maybe this is what I am supposed to do.  When I am deprived of the things I love most, I become desperate to find some way to allow them back into my life.  Is it that I cannot express my creativity?  Do I have no outlet?  I need some way to let this out.

It is only my sophomore year, and I am always becoming restricted to do the things I love to do most.  If this continues, I don't know what I am going to do.  I need to do what I am passionate about.  Sitting in classes that have nothing to do with anything, needing to take classes, and stressing over things that don't matter is getting upsetting.  I belong in the arts.  I need to take pictures, make music, and help others for the rest of my life.  I need my art back.

All I have time for is stress and panic.   If this continues, who knows what the future has in store for me.

Our Love, The Sea

I made a deal with the great Father Sky
He compromised
The stars agreed to take our side
Our future is placed in our fingertips
Who would’ve thought this?
Who would’ve ever figured this?
Our love, the sea, eternal, prolific
The waves, our spirits
Through tides, we feel it
These surfaces we walk are the alleyways
The caves, Our feet have no say
It’s our souls, our minds and their games.
Games, play on, we’re on the solemn sound
We only continue to ascend now
The Earth is astound.
We’ve been figured out.

Freestyle

It’s amazing how you learn from the person you once were
When you feel your past, present and future start to merge
And you feel like there is absolutely nowhere else to turn
You’ll be suprised at all the knowledge that you have procured.

A Beautiful Weekend (Trying Something New)

I sit here writing this, crying.  But knowing that I have to write down my memories, or else I will completely forget them. I don’t care if it’s wrong grammar or anything.  It’s just for the sake of my memories, and for me to share them with you.
Friday night, I unpack my things in the Joshua Wilton House Bed & Breakfast Room #1. Elaborate dressers, beds, desks, and bathrooms encompass this estounding house.  I was dumbfounded.  I had never been in such a beautiful place as this.  My grandmom surprised me with dinner reservations at their 5 star restaurant located on the main level.  Knowing the 5 star restaraunts normally don’t serve chicken fingers of spaghetti, I realize that my picky taste buds are going to have to suck it up, because I was in for a crazy gourmet ride.  Looking at the menu, I decided to order a glass of $3.00 sparkling cider.  My grandmom order a Pinot, and we toasted and cheered to a great weekend.  After looking at the menu with everything I don’t like, I go brave and order a chicken chowder with stuff I didn’t like in it, but I didn’t care.  As the soup approached me, I was hesitiant, but I tried it, IT WAS IMPECCABLE. I wanted more soup for my entree! After the “first course,” I dive into the entree menu… EVERYTHING I HATE, except for one thing: Fish. I don’t eat much fish, I’m not a seafood person, and I don’t really try new food especially if it’s fish. So what do I do? I order the Rockfish, and let me tell you how delicious both the chowder and the rockfish was.  It was phenomenal.  Finally, we go to dessert.  Really?  I had NO PROBLEM picking out desserts, so I picked the Chocolate Soufflet Cake, which was the best dessert I have ever tasted in my entire life. It had a mint leaf that was dry-pressed & candied on top of salted caramel ice cream. Yeah, it was Heaven on a plate.  So, after dinner, we sip on coffee and catch up.  We were in the restaraunt for about 3 hours talking.  Afterwards, we had back upstairs, and put on our robes (they are in the room for you) to relax & watch TV together.  It’s 10:00 PM, and Grandmom is tired, so the lights go out, and I lay down, trying to figure a comfortable sleeping position for about a good 4 hours.  Finally, at 2:00 AM, I fall asleep, only to be woken at 9:00 AM for breakfast which was also delicious.  Trying to figure out what to do during the day, I figure I could walk around downtown with her, show her what JMU really looks like, and eat dinner at an Italian restaraunt.  The Joshua Wilton House is right on the tip of downtown, so we decide to walk around downtown and just look at all of the exciting things going on there.  This didn’t last long because she was getting very tired very fast, and she needed to lay down.  I had no idea why she was getting so tired, but did as she wished, and we headed back to the B&B.  After we walked around a little bit, we relaxed and watched Misery.  That was a SUPER scary movie, but really good.  After we relaxed for a little while, I decided to show her JMU.  Trying to show her the prettiest part of JMU (the Quad) is one of the most painful, stressful, agrrevating things I’ve ever had to do.  There is noparking, and you can’t see the whole quad.

JMU, if you are reading this. WE DON’T HAVE A PERMIT, so find a way to let us park somewhere, PLEASE!

Since there was no where to park, I had to take her into the part you could see the most of through a car.  Aggrevating, YES. But she still enjoyed it a lot, none-the-less.  Afterwards, it was time to eat.  We ate at L’Italia, and it was just as delicious.  She had bruschetta, ravioli, and tiramisu, and I had fried mozzarella, canneloni, and a cannoli.  I found it so classy that my grandmom ordered wine both times we shared dinner together.  Again, we sat and talked for a good 2 hours during dinner, talking about children’s books, Victorian style furniture and houses, favorite colors, and all different sorts of topics.  It was amazing, and I didn’t want Sunday to come, because I didn’t want to leave.  After dinner, it was about 8:00 PM, and I am literally exhausted from all of the food.  I have never eaten so much food in one day in my life. But at least it was all delicious.  While relaxing in my robe, we find Disturbia on TV, and decide to watch it.  It was actually really good! After the movie was over, we turned off the lights and hit the sack.  Grandmom was out like a fat kind in dodgeball. I, however, could not fall asleep, and finally shut my eyes at around 1:45.  Waking up to what is today, I find myself alone.  Grandmom had gone to eat breakfast without me, but she told me not to worry.  So, I take a shower, clean & pack my things, and start getting ready.  As Grandmom walks in, she surprises me with one of the Joshua Wilton robes, which I had been freaking out about how amazing they were, but never expected to get one.  I hugged her so tight and said thank you a million times.  Then, it was time to say goodbye.  Walking outside into the biploar weather, I help her dust off some snow from the car, and we head to my dorm room.  I was so excited to show her where I lived.  We got to my dorm, and I showed her everything.  Afterwards, I gave her direction on how to get onto 81, and we said our long, sad goodbyes.
As I sit here now, crying, I realize that it’s the little moments in life you need to remember.  You need to write them down, get them out, or something.  Because you will always want to remember them.
It’s only been an hour, and I’m balling my eyes out.  I honestly didn’t want this weekend to end.  I’m going to go put on my new robe Grandmom got me, and edit the pictures I took from a beautiful weekend.
I love you, Grandmom. Thank you for everything.

I Would Call This Love But It's Bigger Than That

I don't understand exactly what I did to allow such a blessing into my life.  It doesn't make sense how the stories of our lives collided so beautifully.  All I know is that I want this feeling to stay and last an eternity and a day.

You unconditionally fill me with an inexplicable joy that is true love.  Love like this is scarcely encountered, especially at such a young age.  However I feel as though I am a prime example of, "Love Knows No Age."

I feel as though when I wake up every morning, I've gone mad.  He is literally every thing I could possibly want.  It almost seems as if my life with him is a constant mirage, and that I will waken in my life before him.  But it's true.  It's real, and I don't know why God blessed me with this lively, meteoric blessing.

Mini Autobiography of Sorts

My name is Jessica Elin, and I’m Virginia born & raised. I’m 19, straight, and & happily taken. People always tell me that I look French; however I’m only a fourth.  I am a devout Christian, and have been for several years.  My favourite Bible verses are Habakkuk 1:5, Hebrews 10:39, and Romans 5:3-4. I attend university for Psychology & Journalism, but there is so much I want to do.  As long as I get to write & help people for the rest of my life, then I am content.  My favourite colors are mauve & sage, I eat raw onion preferably with soy sauce, and I only buy pastel colored clothes.  Peruvian Lilies are my favourite flower, I prefer a severe thunderstorm over sun any day, and I am a bookworm.

I take one day out of my week to sit on the computer and find stellar bands that have not made it big yet.  I absolutely love languages.  I'm currently teaching myself French, and I hope to be fluent in French & Swedish before I die.  Even though I am not British, I spell all optional words with the “u” and deeply wish I had a British accent.  I’m writing a book about my life called “Four Februaries,” and I pray to God that it gets published. I tend to plan ahead for everything all of the time, and I think that tea is extremely better than coffee.

I am never one to judge.  Been where I have been, the more important lesson I’ve learned is to never judge anybody if you don’t know their entire story.  My life motto is: Class is the highest form of dignity.  I believe that without class, you cannot fully mature.   I also do not take kindly to originality plagiarism. It’s my biggest “pet peeve” when someone intentionally copies me. 

I absolutely love wine, but I have never gotten drunk, and I never will.  It’s not my scene.  My dream is to travel to Europe, South Africa, Dubai, & Sweden with my husband, film, & digital cameras, and see the world.  I like to collect British magazines (typically NYLON or W) and make collages for friends.   I collect random vintage trinkets, but I want to begin to collect teapots.  Instead of posters, I make fashion walls in my dorm room.

My Fascination With The Seas

Pardon me, while I rant about my opinions of irrelevant sorts that cross my scatterbrained mind in the middle of night.
The sea: It is so vast, so eternal, so beautiful.  It has always been a wonder to me.  The modern world may destroy our trees and such, but there will always be a part of the ocean that will remain untouchable. And it is the rawness of the ignorant beauty that is the eternal ocean, that makes it one of the most beautiful marvels of the world.
Wading in the borderless pool of waves and undiscovered wonders, I find myself deep-thinking. The everlasting mysteries will forever leave me puzzled, as to how the ocean never surrenders and runs dry, or exactly how many beautiful sea creatures we are oblivious to discovering.  The ships who remain at the bottom of the ocean, the people who continue to dwell in the remains of their ships, the anecdotes of legends and past experience on the open waters, they are all hints to nature's riddle, the sea.

Self Esteem

Even though I know it's pointless, I've been thinking a lot about my body image.  I am not happy with it.  Everytime I find myself glancing in the mirror, which is not frequently, I tend to cringe in utter disappointment.  I find that I wish I was skinnier, a lot skinnier.  I want to be pretty.  I want to feel pretty.

The Eye of the Beholder

Creativity is individual.  One finds themselves through their own creative mental processes.  I have found myself through photography.  Pictures reveal my personal opinions of what I perceive.  However, I have an issue when one pretends to hold creativity, when all they do is carbon copy exactly what I have stated.  Beauty is in your eye.  You are the beholder of your own beauty.  Please quit trying to borrow my eyes, because it isn't fair when you kidnap my creativity.  I deserve the praise, you deserve to be stripped of you faux artistry.  You are not an artist, you are a counterfeit.

Just remember that what goes up, will come down.

Untitled

Pardon me for making my first blog post a metaphorical slap-in-the-face.  But at 8:00 AM this morning, my boyfriend left for his family vacation in Florida and doesn't come back until after I leave for college.  Once again, our relationship has been unnecessarily tested, and we have to go through yet another difficult struggle.  I couldn't keep from crying last night, knowing that when he held my hand, I wouldn't feel his clammy hand until he visits me in August.  I tried memorizing the way it felt when he kissed me so I could reminisce when I missed them.  I ran my fingers through his hair every chance I had, and I couldn't even jump on the trampoline without sobbing in tears, knowing that I will never be able to laugh as hard as I do when I'm with him.  We said goodbye in my car for an hour, hugging each other, sobbing together.  I couldn't let go of him, and I didn't want to hear the word "goodbye" ever come across his lips.  When he said it, I felt like I had entered the Twilight Zone.  That was it.  Our summer together is over already. I came home and wailed on the couch, not being able to control myself.  I went to bed at 3:00 AM this morning, because all I could do was bundle myself in his clothes, curl up into a ball in my bed, and cry.  Now I sit here, trying to write this without spilling more tears on to my keyboard, but I'm failing miserably.

I think it's safe to say that my heart is broken, and I don't think my summer will be the same, knowing he is thousands of miles away from me.  I'll try to have fun.  But not having Nathan to make memories with is definitely going to hinder my happiness.

Again I apologize for the depressing introduction into my life.  I promise things will eventually get better.  Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.  I love you all.